I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
