I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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