How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
