Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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