I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
