My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
