So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
