I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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