I just pynch a tree in the face
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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