with your own penis?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
