you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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