I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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