white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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