I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Even my vagina gasped.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
