you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
