You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
