Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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