U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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