she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
