I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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