i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
