i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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