How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
