Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
