4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
