Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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