just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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