Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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