I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He had one of those small greek statue penises
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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