And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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