I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
