i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
