I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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