sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
