I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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