pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize