my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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