i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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