I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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