I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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