I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
