the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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