Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I AM VODKA MAN
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
