the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
