I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize