If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
