That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
