just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize