remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
