Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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