I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So much Jack, so little girl.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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