I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
