Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Randomize
