i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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