I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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