I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
