This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
