If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
