So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
