i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
