She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
