The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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