I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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